


I Love You Like A Table

by hamiltonkilljoy75



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Fluff, M/M, Musical References, Normal AU, POV Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Simon Is Adorkable, SnowBaz, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, also baz is obsessed with twilight, as always, baz works in a diner, no really, oreos are important, penny is sassy, they bond over pie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-09-27 21:03:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17169362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hamiltonkilljoy75/pseuds/hamiltonkilljoy75
Summary: In short: a Waitress AU in which Baz is Dawn and Simon is Ogie (and Agatha is Jenna and Penny is Becky).In long: Baz Pitch is a recluse but romantic waiter working in a rundown pie diner in the South dreaming of a man sweeping him off of his feet. What he doesn't expect is for the gorgeous doofus Simon Snow to be on the other side of the online dating profile his friends and coworkers Penny and Agatha set up for him.





	1. When He Sees Me

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Greetings! Welcome to the fanfiction which is the written representation of what the inside of my head looks like!
> 
> I saw Waitress over the summer and all of Ogie and Dawn's songs are just SO adorably SnowBaz. If you haven't listened to the soundtrack, I will leave a link in the bottom notes. That being said, it should be pretty easy to follow. The chapters are named after the songs they were inspired by. The fic is named after the Waitress song "I Love You Like a Table" (yes, that's a real song that someone performs on Broadway eight times a week).
> 
> All song lyrics I use and reference in the dialogue belong to the lovely and talented Sara Bareilles.  
> All characters belong to Rainbow Rowell.

Agatha and Penny have been bugging me to join an online dating site. And I know that it’s the easiest way to meet guys around here, especially when said guys are few and far between.

“Come on, Baz. I just want to see you happy!” She said, chasing me down while we’re putting up the chairs in the diner (Joe’s Diner; it’s right off the highway and Agatha makes the best pies in the state!). “You deserve to be happy for once in your life.”

“Here, here!” Penny said, raising the empty coffee mug. “You need to get yourself a man! You don’t want to live alone for the rest of your life, do you?”

I stopped for a moment. “Well…uh…no.”

“Then what’s holding you back?” Agatha asked me in this oh too overly doting motherly voice that she’s had ever since we all found out that she was knocked up (which is another story for another time). Whether she noticed or not was a different story.

I sighed, feeling all the reasons piling up under my chest before they tumbled out like a damn. “You know me: I stick with real things. Fact and figures. So guess what?”

They looked at each other before looking back at me. “What is it, Baz?” Penny asked. “I don’t like guessing games! Online dating is a total guessing game. And I don’t like feeling things before I know what’s happening when I’m tossed around by fate, like on an unexpected date! And you don’t know if he’ll talk too fast or ask me questions about myself before I’ve decided that he can ask me questions about myself. Or if he sits too close or calls the waiter by his first name or he eats the cookie before the cream in an Oreo. And what if when he sees me, he just walks the other way or stands me up and I have to be the one who got stood up on! Tell me what happens if he gets to knowing me, he disappointed and I’ve spent all this time obsessing and pouring my heart and soul into this guy just to be like Wham!’s ‘Last Christmas.’”

Agatha and Penny look confused. “What now?” Penny asked, adjusting her giant purple cat-eyed glasses. She looks the exact stereotype of a diner waitress, but the look suits her.

I rolled my eyes. “I give him my heart away only to get it given back!”

They both finally registered what I’m trying to say. “Oh!” They said in unison like a bunch of school children learning a concept that finally makes sense.

“I just…I couldn’t live with that, you know!” I continued, vigorously wiping tables. “So I do not need to go find someone online because from right here, I have the best view and then I can decide when I want him to see me.”

Penny rolled her eyes. “Basil, come on! Don’t you think that you’re being, just a little…uh…”

Agatha butted in to try and finish the sentence, but I can tell that the both of them are walking on eggshells. Even though they’re technically my higher-ups and older than me, I’m still a six foot one emo wreck living in the south working at a diner “What’s she’s trying to say is that you’re getting a little…”

“I’m NOT defensive!” I snapped, whipping my dishrag on the table. The silverware clatters slightly, and Pen and Aggie are standing frozen and wide-eyed. Total deer in headlights. “I’m simply being cautious. There’s no way that I’m recklessly dating someone and miscalculating his motives and just proving my father right! You can’t be too careful when it comes to sharing your life!”

Agatha broke and looked like she had been punched in the stomach. “Gee, thanks,” she said, fiddling with her white apron and looking down at her slightly swollen belly.

“He’s just referring to all those Hallmark movies he watches by himself, Ags. It’s not a personal observation,” Pen replied, moving away to wipe down the countertops.

“My life could be miserable! Sorry, girls. ” I exclaimed. “He could a criminal that masterminded a way to find me! He could be colorblind!”

Aggie snorted without thinking about it. “Colorblind?”

Pen shrugged, slinging the rag she was cleaning with over her shoulder. “It’s pretty untrustworthy, if you ask me.”

“Well, I didn’t ask you Penny!” Agatha retorted. “And it’s not like being colorblind would be a deal breaker! It’s better than being a criminal.”

“True, but at least you would know that they’re not a good person,” Penny replied coolly.

“What are you even saying? Are you proposing that if you asked a colorblind person to run to the store to buy you that red fruit you forgot the name of that there’s a high chance that they’re going to come back with oranges?”

Penny shook her head. “No! You just don’t know what’s happening!”

A thought entered my head that made me have to sit down in one of the red vinyl booths. It scared me so much that I had to hold my head in my hands AND put my elbows on the table! Penny and Agatha rushed over and sat in the booth with me, Agatha to my right and Penny sitting across from us.

“What’s wrong, Basil?” Penny asked, prying my hands away from my face and holding them in her own.

“What if he’s very nice and has lovely eyes and makes me laugh and breaks down all the walls I’ve worked so hard to put up?” I asked, looking up at her. I’m scared, but the three of us have seen each other at the lowest moments in each other’s lives: Agatha’s accidental pregnancy test being the latest low. With these girls, I feel safe to talk about my feelings and worries and insecurities that have always plagued me.

Agatha’s face softened. “Oh, Baz.”

I nodded. “Like, what if when he sees me, it’s love at first sight; I like and he knows it. What if all the feelings I’ve been bottling up suddenly open up and I can’t control it! And if he holds me…” I trailed off and slumped onto Agatha’s shoulder (which is quite a feat when she’s nearly a foot shorter than me). “I’m not prepared for that at all. But still I can’t help but think that it’d be so nice to have someone to talk to and accepts me for who I am and want to see me day in and day out, you know?”

Both of them nodded. “We hear you, Basil,” Penny said. “But…”

“But what?” I asked, sitting up again. “I spilled all the reason why I don’t want to do this, and you’re giving me a but?”

“You’re almost finished with the dating profile, right?” Agatha asked me gently. It’s irritating and at the same time I love gentle and annoyingly motherly Agatha far more “I’ve been here making pies since five am so shut up and listen to me” Agatha.

I pulled out my phone. “It’s been finished for weeks, but I haven’t gotten any matches except for ‘SnowSWithABullet.’”

Penny snatched it away from me and Agatha moved to her side of the booth. “His interests include: Sour Cherry Scones, Queen (the band, duh!), Family, and Vampire Romance Novels.”

“Oooh,” Aggie said, looking over Penny’s shoulder at my phone. “He sounds like someone that would be right up your alley.”

“But there’s no picture!” I retorted. “There’s no way to prove that he’s not a criminal.”

“I know, but you could at least try to get in touch with him!” Agatha said, shrugging. “Maybe even go on a date!”

Penny handed me back my phone and I sent him a message on the stupid dating site. “Done,” I said, putting the phone back down on the table before it begins lighting up like a Christmas tree.

Their eyes widened. “Jesus, Basil!” Pen exclaimed. “What did you say?”

“Nothing! I literally said, ‘Hey, what’s up!’ I would never do anything to provoke…” I checked my phone. “Oh my God! Ten messages? With terrible punctuation?”

Agatha scooted back into my side of the booth. “Well, what did Mr. Snow S with a bullet say?”

I scanned the texts and collapsed over the table. “He wants to meet for coffee tomorrow night.”

Both of them squealed. “Oh my God! Baz! That’s amazing!” Agatha said, wrapping an arm around me and letting her blond hair flop onto my shoulder.

I looked up at them. “Twilight’s playing on FX tomorrow night. He wants to meet half an hour before it starts. The date would have to be five minutes long in order for me be in front of the TV when the movie starts!”

Penny looked like she was about to have an aneurysm. “You have that movie on DVD. And on iTunes. And on Amazon. And you have the audiobook in five languages!”

“Yeah! But I make a night out of it when it’s on TV!”

Agatha shook her head. “Just go on the date, Baz. You deserve happiness in your life. And you need to get out of that tiny one bedroom! Besides, wouldn't it be more fun to watch Twilight with someone else?”

As much as I try to resist, I really can’t say no to Agatha and Penny. “Fine. I’ll have a five-minute date with a guy that I just messaged and have never actually met in person.”


	2. Never Ever Getting Rid of Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The night after Baz's big date, he gets a surprise visitor at work with a mixed bouquet and a magical song.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy 2019!  
> I thought that I would have this up on the 30th, but then my laptop died and I went back to school so here we are a week later than expected. Whoops. Oh well.
> 
> The title of this chapter is from the song "Never Ever Getting Rid of Me." This part is a bit longer (it's twice as long as the last one, but that's what you get when you introduce Simon Snow), but the next chapter will be short and sweet and probably up by January 24th because finals. Feel free to leave kudos and comments as they really help me out!
> 
> Again, songs and lyrics belong to Sara Bareilles.  
> Characters belong to Rainbow Rowell.  
> Lines from the book belong to Jessie Nelson.

I walked into work the night after without looking at anyone. But no such luck. Even when I don’t want to talk to them, Penny and Agatha are always there for me.

“So, Baz!” Agatha whispered, pulling me over towards the counter. “How was it.”

“I don’t wanna talk about it.”

Penny was pouring a cup of coffee when she overheard the conversation. “Oh yeah! Last night was the date night! How was it.”

I rolled my eyes and started to work on rolling the silverware into the napkins. “His name is Simon. His full name is the most ridiculous thing that I’ve ever heard.”

“Well, it can’t be that bad!” Agatha started before I shushed her.

“SnowSWithABullet?” I whispered, repeating his username. “His name is Simon Snow Salisbury. That’s his full name!”

Penny started quietly giggling. “Oh, man. You’re dating Simon Salisbury! I should have known!”

I looked at Agatha for some sort of an explanation, and all she could do was just shrug. “What the hell Penelope? Why are you laughing?”

“Simon was my best friend in high school. I tried to set him up with Agatha but he said he wasn’t interested. Now I see why!” Penny whispered, shaking her head and chuckling quietly.

Agatha squinted. “Haven’t you talked to him since high school? You two got on like a fire!”

“He went out of state for college on a football scholarship. USC, I think. Haven’t talked to him in almost ten years,” Pen said, shrugging and taking a sip of coffee.

I snatched the coffee cup from her and bore my eyes into her head. “You know what I learned about him in the five minutes the date lasted? On Wednesdays, he only eats white foods. Like on Wednesdays we wear pink, but on Wednesdays we only eat white foods. Do you really think that I’d date a man like that?”

Agatha’s lost her mind trying not to laugh, and she handed me the chalk. “Go write that the pie of the day is a Coconut Cream Tropical Delight.”

I rolled my eyes and walked over to the chalkboard. “So, who’s opening up today?” I asked, trying to divert attention away from myself. Unfortunately, Penny and Agatha never let me off the hook. Granted, I never let them off the hook either. Oh reciprocity, I am your fool.

“Write the pie on the board, Basil. We’ll talk about opening up when you finish opening up about your five-minute date with my former best friend!” I shook my head, writing finishing writing the word cream.

“No. Absolutely not. I can’t live knowing that you’re gonna make fun of me for going on a date with one of your best friends from high school!”

Agatha’s face softened. “Baz! We’re not gonna make fun of you.”

“We might make fun of you in like, a year…at your wedding!” Penny said, sticking her tongue at me. I stuck my tongue at her in reply.

“Put your tongues back into your mouths! We work at a diner; we need things to be sanitary and not covered in your saliva!” Aggie exclaimed, pinching Penny and me on the arms. She’s going to be one hell of a mother.

“Aren’t you the one who blows a kiss before she puts a pie into the oven?” Pen asked.

“My mama taught me that technique! And it makes the pies taste better and makes sure that they don’t burn!”

I shrugged. “I don’t know a thing about baking, so I’ll take your word for it!”

The room went silent, save for the scrapping of the chalk on the specials board. “Should I draw palm trees with coconuts on them?” I asked.

Penny shrugged as she tied her apron around her waist. “Whatever. I’m opening!”

“Thanks, Pen!” Aggie said before turning back to me. “It doesn’t really matter to me. If you feel like drawing palm trees, draw palm trees with coconuts on ‘em. Whatever you want, Baz.”

I rolled my eyes. “So can I have a slice of pie for free?”

She raised an eyebrow. “Just cuz I’m pregnant doesn’t mean that I’m gonna let you eat the pies before the diner opens!”

“Wouldn’t it be better if I check them for poison before the customers do?” Agatha hit my arm with a dishrag and the hand with the chalk in it scrapped across the board with a sound to peel paint. “You don’t trust the baker of this diner not to poison the pies, Basilton?”

“Aggie! I was joking!” I exclaimed.

Penny comes back around as Mr. and Mrs. Henderson slowly make their way to their usual booth in the back. As much as I knew that they were (unfortunately) disillusioned and mildly homophobic and racist, there were cute. I could only dream of having someone beside me for sixty plus years or however long those two have been together. As much as I seemed to be a snarky vampire obsessed guy with a dead-end job at a crappy diner somewhere in the middle of nowhere northern Oklahoma, I wanted a happily ever after. I wanted to be happy and have someone to come home to that wanted to talk with me and love me as much as I loved them (and Twilight).

Jesus Christ, I was a mess before I met Simon.

Agatha was wiping down the table next to me when I spotted him a couple hours after we opened. Golden hair with perfect curls. Blue eyes that leave enough to be desired but I can’t help but look at. And he was holding a mixed bouquet. I made a beeline to the counter and turned to the kitchen.

“Bunce. Look at table seven,” I whispered, poking Penny in the side. “Not right away. Slowly.”

She poured a cup of coffee and looked over to table seven. “So Simon showed up. And he’s sitting at a table in Agatha’s section.”

“Hi, welcome to Joe’s Diner,” Agatha said from the other side of the room. “What can I get for ya?”

I didn’t hear Simon’s response. Instead, I ducked under the counter, pretending to be interested in dirty dishes and empty salt and pepper shakers and paper napkins. Penny joined me on the dirty floor. “What are you doing Basil? It’s not like he’s going to request you as a waiter! That’s not the Simon I knew in high school!” She exclaimed.

“Well did the Simon you knew in high school eat exclusively white foods on Wednesdays? And enjoys sour cherry scones?”

She shook her head before continuing. “But he has flowers, Baz. He clearly likes you! As strange as his methods may be, he always has good intentions.”

“Always?” I asked. “You haven’t spoken to him in ten years!”

Agatha ducked under the counter. “Are we playing a secret game of hide and seek that y’all didn’t tell me about? During our shift?”

“No!” I said defensively. “I was just looking at the bulk packs of napkins that we keep down here!”

“He’s afraid of seeing Simon,” Penny said, looking straight at Agatha.

Agatha gave me a pitiful smile. “Well, there’s someone at table seven who requested you specifically.”

“Didn’t you try and say something?” I asked. “Like, that he wasn’t in my section or that I was busy?”

“He was very persistent,” Aggie sighed. “I wouldn’t keep him waiting for long, honey.”

I sighed and shook my head. “Fine.”

Pen and I both stood up to see Simon facing the counter, smiling broadly. Penny waved and I looked down at the sticky floor as I walked over to his table. I pulled out the notepad from my apron and continued to look down.

“Welcome to Joe’s Diner,” I said quickly, trying to be as emotionless as possible. “What do you want?”

Simon Snow Salisbury looked up at me with his blue eyes twinkling with mischief. “What’s your special pie of the day.”

“Coconut Cream Tropical Delight,” I grumbled, mildly annoyed that Agatha always named her pies something so happy and chirpy (or not always; Betrayed By My Eggs is not exactly a feel-good name for a quiche).

“Well then, I’d like the Coconut Cream Tropical Delight pie,” he said, leaning back in his chair like he owned the place. His golden curls caught the florescent lights in a way that made them look bronze and beautiful. I looked back down at my notepad to write his order, though my pen didn't move.

“Would you like whipped cream with that?” I asked instinctively before mentally slapping myself. “What am I asking? It’s a Wednesday!”

He grinned up at me with a dazzling grin that made me weak at the knees. But I didn’t show it. I don’t think. “You remembered! Though, I have to say, on any other day I’d be asking if you had sour cherry pie. It’s my absolute favorite.”

I raised an eyebrow. “I thought that you eat sour cherry scones?”

He shrugged. It was almost infuriating how much he shrugged; he must have shrugged ten thousand times in the moments since I met him. “I haven’t found a good scone since I left England. But at least y’all get biscuits right! I order a biscuit, they give me a cookie; I order a scone, they’d give me a sweet, dense biscuit!”

My instinct would have been to ask “Why were you in England if you were on a football scholarship?” but I resisted. It was getting harder to hate this guy, especially since the broken nose and the rippling muscles bulging from under his dorky polo shirt had a backstory that I really shouldn’t have found sexy. I should start calling him Simon at this point, but whatever.

“And can you make sure that it’s on a separate plate? The whipped cream?” Simon then asked, snapping out of my daydreams. “You can’t get the right pie to whipped cream ratio if—"

“It’s on top of the pie!” I exclaimed, excited to finally have found someone with common sense. Unfortunately, the person with common sense happened to be Simon Snow Salisbury, so I revert back to my steely exterior. “Do you want anything else?”

He smiled and nodded. “I just wanted to let you know how much fun I had last night.”

I didn’t hide my confusion. “I left after five minutes.”

“And those were the best five minutes of my life. Baz, I want to get to know you. I brought these for you!” He held up the flowers, starting to look nervous.

“Why?” I asked. “I’m hardly a person that you’d want to get to know.”

“The same could be said for me. But I’ve spent enough time thinking about what I want to do and not enough actually doing it. I want you and this,” he pointed between us and it tugged at my heartstrings slightly, “to work. Please.”

It was starting to scare me how much I actually liked him and I said the stupidest thing I could have possibly have said. “Please! Just take the mixed bouquet and leave! Just leave!”

He stood up and cleared his throat. “Baz, TwilightLover9000,” he started, getting the attention of the entire diner as if he just cast a spell over everyone with his infectious charismatic magic. I looked over to Agatha and Penny for moral support or something. All I got was Agatha mouthing out “TwilightLover9000? Really?”

“I will never let you let me leave. I promise I’m not lying!” He exclaimed quickly. “Go ahead! Ask anyone who is seen me trying; I’m not going. If it seems like I did, I’m probably waiting outside.”

He’s wooing me with words and I tried my hardest to ignore it and pull myself. But then I realize that he hasn’t been talking, he’s singing. Someone’s sat down at the piano in the back of the diner and started playing an accompaniment. Drums, bass, and a guitar appear beside it as Simon continued. It may very well be the gayest thing I’d ever seen or been a part of. And I was starting to wonder if he actually did have magic or if I never looked hard enough at that corner of the diner.

“Such a stubborn man, you’ll likely never meet another!” He sang, dancing and pulling me down into the chair where he was seated not thirty seconds before. “When we have our family dinner you can ask my mother; she’s the best! You’ll learn more about her on our family history test!”

I look over at Penny, who’s doubled over with laughter, and Aggie, who really doesn’t seem that surprised, as if this has happened before. Although, it does seem that she has seen everything so a magical musical number in the middle of a pie diner would have probably been small potatoes.

Simon knelt on the floor next to me dramatically. “I’m gonna do this right! Show you I’m not moving; wherever you go, I won’t be far to follow.”

I stood up and started to walk away, scribbling his order down on my notepad. Agatha had a slice of pie with whipped cream on a separate plate, which I took, mouthing a thank you, before setting the pie and whipped cream on his table next to the mixed bouquet.

“Oh, I’m gonna love you so. You’ll learn what I already know: I love you means you’re never ever getting rid of me!” He sang, standing up on his chair and the rest of the diner looking on. “You can try, oh but I love you means you’re never ever getting rid of me.”

There’s a lull, and he looked down at me expectantly. I sneered at him and ripped the paper with his order from my notepad. “Ready for your check?”

He smiled at me as if I was the only thing that mattered. It was like looking at the sun and I was crashing into him.

“Not quite! Pie for everybody!”

My jaw dropped as the diners cheered and Aggie and Pen began quickly doling out slices of pie onto plates. “What?!” I exclaimed as the music picked back up and Simon jumped off his chair and walked towards me.

“I grew up an only child in the suburb of the city. I spent my days alone; my only friend was a stray kitty called Sardine.”

“Sardine?” I asked at the same time that some of the diners began to dance and ooh and aah in harmony behind Simon.

He nodded and continued singing. “Yeah! I thought it was hilarious to name a cat a kind of fish! She played hard to get, hissing while she scratched me. What she was trying to say was, ‘Simon, come and catch me!’ I learned quickly that perseverance stood between a cat and her new best friend me!”

They came back to the chorus about never ever getting rid of something, and I was suddenly whisked into Simon’s arms. He smiled up at me like I was the only person in the room. The list of things that I liked about him was getting increasingly harder to ignore. He was gorgeous, well traveled, brave (name one person you know who would impromptu serenade someone at their place of work), generous, and an idiot. Simon Snow Salisbury was an idiot for me.

I shouldn’t have found that as romantic as I did so I turned around and walked towards the counter, where Penny had her arms crossed over her chest. “I love you means blah blah blah, yip yap yap. Now get back to work!” She said teasingly, tears in her eyes from laughing.

I sneered at her and turned around to see Simon, standing on a table and singing in a mock opera baritone. “OH, YOU CAN CRY! BUT I,” He sang, looking right at me, “I love you means you’re never ever getting rid of me!”

The song ended (thank God) and the diner applauded politely before digging into their free pie. Simon was still standing in what looked to be his final pose looking at me expectantly. “So? What do you say?”

I looked over my shoulder to see Agatha giving me a thumbs up and Penny still red from laughing so hard. I gave them a weak smile before turning back to this boy. This wonderful, magnificent, nightmare of a boy that I was already in love with and was clearly in love with me. But I refused to show any signs of emotion or weakness.

“I’ll think about it.” I turned around to the counter only to have Penny and Agatha turn me back around and push me towards table seven.

“What are your opinions on Twilight?” I asked, narrowing my eyes.

He shrugged. “I think my fanfiction is better than the original series, but you know. You gotta start somewhere.”

My eyes widened. “You write Twilight fanfiction?”

Simon laughed awkwardly. “Yeah. I’m actually writing a new vampire romance novel for a publisher in Saint Louis. They think it could be even bigger than Twilight, but you know. They’re probably just saying that to keep me writing.”

I bit down a smile. He wrote vampire fanfiction and was writing a vampire romance novel. It was like someone cobbled together all the most attractive parts of the most attractive guys and gave him a specialized hobby specifically designed to appeal to me. That was the thing that made me cave.

“Well, maybe you can show me what you’ve been working on over dinner Saturday night?” I asked, trying not to seem too excited that I was actually probably going on a date with a really hot novelist who used to play football.

His jaw dropped and he began stumbling over his words. “Uh…well…Saturday. Yeah. Dinner works…Saturday…seven o’clock…I’ll pick you up from here?”

I didn’t hold back the smile. “Seven o’clock is perfect.”

“These are for you, by the way,” Simon said suddenly, handing me the mixed bouquet. I finally took it. “Keep them in a temperate environment with water as soon as you can. I didn’t know what color would match your eyes, so I just got all of them.”

If I wasn’t on duty at work, I would have kissed him right then and there. Instead, I looked down at the flowers and grinned. “Thank you. I’ll see you on Saturday then.”

“Well actually you’ll see me when you give me the bill for all the pie,” he said, grinning. “But then you’ll see me Saturday.”

I laughed. “Yeah. Yeah. Thanks.” The walk to the counter seemed to take a thousand years. I clutched onto the flowers for dear life as I looked up at Pen and Aggie looking at me expectantly.

“So?” Penny asked.

“He’s perfect,” I said, shaking my head and looking down at the flowers. “He’s so perfect. I can’t believe that he actually exists.”

Agatha smiled. “Good. Now, help me with handing out the rest of this pie.”  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the link to the soundtrack of Waitress: https://open.spotify.com/album/1E1tdqqLmyi03P0TJhGuw8
> 
> Again, thank you for reading my fever dream.


	3. I Love You Like A Table

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Baz take their relationship to the next level with complications, seeing that they live in Oklahoma circa 2010. It doesn't stop them from sharing their love (and bizarre use of words) with their closest friends at Joe's Diner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I'll have this published by January 24th," she said. 
> 
> "It'll be done by then," she said.
> 
> Thank you for sticking around and reading my fever dream fanfiction! All of the kudos that have been slowly dripping in since chapter 1 are so great to see and I am truly grateful. I genuinely cannot believe that I actually finished this and that this is the last chapter.
> 
> This chapter turned into a bit of a monster because I wanted to be accurate to the story of Waitress and the time it takes place in. But, because I'm a nerd and I like to make things harder for myself, I decided that it also needed to be somewhat historically accurate. Plus, there's the fact that finals, college applications, auditions, rehearsals, and other miscellaneous nonsense that we don't have to get into right now have taken up a lot of my time. But I feel that I have learned a lot, for example, Oklahoma legalized same-sex marriage in 2014 before Obergefell v. Hodges, which legalized same-sex marriage in 2015 and that eight counties in Alabama have banned ALL marriage. 
> 
> All of that being said, it was fun to write and I hope that you enjoy it!
> 
> As always, characters belong to Rainbow Rowell, story and words belong to Jessie Nelson and Sara Bareilles.

We had to go out of state for the civil service. From the middle of nowhere northeastern Oklahoma to a courthouse in Iowa. The third state in the country to legalize same-sex marriage after Massachusetts and Connecticut. Fourth if you count California’s inability to make up its mind with Proposition 8.

But it didn’t matter because I couldn’t imagine my life without Simon. In the mere months that I had known him, I knew that Simon was the person I was meant to spend my life with. His bronze curls and blue eyes and warm smile seemed to melt my insides like the ganache fillings of Agatha’s pies. He cares so much and so deeply. It’s not an erotic gropefest…most of the time. But it’s something more profound and more beautiful than what you’d think a six-month-long relationship would have.

That all being said, he’s a complete idiot some of the time with these British terms he’s picked up over the years. He calls a bag of chips a packet of crisps and will ask if I’m taking public transport instead of asking if I’m taking the bus. Or worst of all, asking for a biscuit when I decide to make cookies. I’ll try to correct him, but he just stands there with this expression on his face before saying, “yeah, that’s what I meant.” And of course, I have to kiss the stupid expression off his face, which often makes me unnecessarily late for work.

But he was the one to officially propose. I’ll let you use your imagination because we both got too drunk and had a little too much fun for me to recount here without giving too many details away. We had been talking about it (it being marriage) since our third date, and it just made sense. Even if he was going to Oklahoma City every other month to meet with his publishers, both of us bonded over our crazy life experiences (his father was abusive and his mother raised him by herself) and fundamental understanding that life is short, so we should make the most of it.

He proposed after he finished the paperwork and negotiating for his book deal. He had been agonizing over the first novel in his proposed five book series since before we started dating, and asked me to read through it hundreds if not millions of times. In my opinion, it was one of the best things I had ever read. Even though I had to read it too many times to count.

I asked him if he wanted to marry me because of the deal or if it was because he actually wanted to get married. Then he smiled and, in the most Simon way possible, shrugged. “It’s a little bit of both, I guess.”

But because the closest place we could get married was five hours away, we decided to have a friends and family “ceremony” so that everyone that supported us wouldn’t have to drive five hours to a small courthouse in Iowa. Especially since Aggie was due any day now and I wanted her to be a part of one of the biggest moments of my life. So the plan was to have the friends and family celebration at Joe’s Diner before heading out at around six so that we could get to Iowa before midnight, get married the next day, and then drive home legally married spouses in the United States of America.

When I told Penny and Agatha, Penny shrieked with joy so loudly that I thought that Agatha might pee her pants (or uniform, rather). They both promised to pitch in to decorate the old dining room into a place suitable for a wedding. Penny started rattling off registries and ideas for themes for a good two minutes before I had to remind her that same-sex marriage wasn’t legal in the state of Oklahoma yet. Her face fell before she immediately started researching courthouses that would issue us licenses the same day as close to home as possible. Which ended up being in Iowa.

Simon convinced me to write our own vows for the family and friends “ceremony,” which may have been the dumbest decision that I’ve ever made. It also might be the greatest decision I’ve ever made. Because I’m weak. I love the man with everything I am. And I also thought, “He’s going to be a published author! He’ll probably write vows better than yours!” Reasonable things.

If there is one thing that Simon is not, it’s reasonable.

“I’ll explain this if I’m able,” Simon started, a mischievous expression on his face. Every time he’s about to do something crazy, he gets a beautiful glimmer in his eye. It’s not a bad thing, but it’s a moment where I wish I knew what he was thinking. “I love you like a table.”

The crowd lets out a small laugh and I know he sees the confused look on my face because he continues by running over to a table in the diner. “My legs were carved for you! I’m the wood and you’re the glue; cover me in stuff and I will hold you up strong and stable.”

I can’t help but beam with happiness and love and joy. Simon Snow Salisbury may be a deeply bizarre person, but he’s my beautiful, bizarre person. A nightmare, yes. But my husband. During my “vows” I admit that it’s taken me over thirty drafts to find the perfect words (thirty was self-inserted vampire fan fiction where Simon was this golden chosen one and I was the vampire that was in love/obsessed with him). But I won’t rehash all of the details here; my vows were mostly unintelligible sobs of joy and happiness. We promised to do as best as we can and that whenever we saw each other, we’d fall in love all over again.

Agatha made enough pies to feed the entire county, of which Simon ate nearly three by himself. I had to pull him away from the pies to get him in the car and on our way to Iowa.

“Baz, it’s a really good pie!” He protests, pouting at me like a five-year-old.

I walk around the counter and pull out a to-go box to put the pie in. “We can eat it on the road; we have to go!” I tell him, prying the pie out of his hands and into the box.

Agatha waddles over from the dance floor (the middle of the diner with all the tables pushed aside) towards where we are at the counter, almost in a panic. “Y’all leaving already?” She asks, eyes wide.

I nod. “We need to get up to Iowa before midnight.”

“Don’t move!” She exclaims before shuffling away as quickly as a very heavily pregnant woman can move. “I got something for y’all!”

Simon slowly moves to take the pie box out of my hands and continues eating it slowly. I raise an eyebrow. “What? We gotta do something while we wait," he says, slightly defensively.

I laugh and feel the same warm feeling that I’ve had in my chest whenever I’m around Simon. “Have I ever told you how much I love you?”

He shrugs. “Yeah, but I like when you remind me.”

If I had less self-control, I would have jumped over the counter to kiss him without any cutlery banging on glasses to prompt me. But he’s eating one of Agatha’s famous Marshmallow Mermaid pies and I’m not about to stop him. Especially since the Marshmallow Mermaid is not my favorite (I personally loved the Deep Dish Blueberry Bacon one Aggie made a couple of months back). After Simon polishes off the pie, Aggie waddles back out from the kitchen with a pink box we usually use for the few baked goods in the diner that are not pie.

“A little wedding present from me and baby to you for the drive to Iowa,” she says, handing the box (and a couple of napkins) to Simon. “It took me a while to find a good recipe and then a solid hour on the internet trying to use baking convertors and then resorting to dusting off the scales.”

I lean over the counter as Simon opens the box. His eyes widen to the size of saucers as he reveals a dozen dense biscuits that have some sort of red chunks mixed in (describing food you don’t know is never appealing; have you read Divergent?). In the corner of the box, there are a couple dozen individually packaged pads of butter that we usually serve with toast.

“Sour cherry scones?” Simon exclaims, looking like a kid on Christmas morning. “How’d you know?”

“Baz wouldn’t stop talking about how you missed the tastes of England and that he wanted to do something about it,” Aggie shrugged. “So I looked up recipes and tested them after the diner was closed or before we opened because I know how much you mean to Baz.”

I start tearing up and Simon leans his forehead against mine. “I love you,” he whispers.

“And if you do so much as hurt him even a little bit…” Aggie adds, glaring menacingly at Simon, snapping both of us back into reality, “I will never let you hear the end of it.”

My eyes widen. “Jesus, Agatha! You sound like my Aunt Fiona.”

“Really,” Simon exclaimed, taking a scone from the box. “She had a whole scary speech.”

“Well, I just want to look out for y’all; that’s all!” She says. “You gonna take a bite of the scone?”

“Oh hell yes! I haven’t had one of these in nearly five years!” Simon exclaims before he, like the absolute nightmare that he is, demolishes the entire scone the size of my fist in one messy, crumbly bite. And then he moans.

“Agatha, what on earth did you put in that biscuit,” Penny asks, waltzing over to the three of us.

Simon’s eyes have all but rolled into the back of his head and he’s starting to drool on the crumbs covering his face and clothes, so I answer for him. “It’s a scone and I think that he’s in a state where he would rather marry those scones than me.”

This snaps Simon out of his state. “That is not true!” He tries to say through far too much sour cherry scone. “No offense, Agatha; these are fantastic! But I would marry you even if a sour cherry scone came to life and asked me to marry it.”

I melt a little bit and snatch the box out of Simon’s hands, closing it shut. There are things that I want to say that could not be said in good conscious in front of Penny and Agatha in our place of work. So I grab Simon’s wrist and start to pull him out the door.

“Thank you so much for the party, girls,” I start, pulling a still chewing Simon behind me slightly. “You can take all the gifts and miscellaneous wedding supplies back to the storage unit.”

“I’ll do it,” Penny says. “Agatha’s nine months pregnant and has been standing all day.”

I shake my head a little and laugh. “Thank you. I’ll see you on Monday!”

Simon is the one who yanks me out of the diner and to the car (my aunt Fiona’s MG 1967 that she gave to me a few years back). I settle into the driver’s seat as Simon sets the pink box of scones down in between the seats before clambering in to sit next to me. We both buckle up and I can’t resist pulling him in for a kiss that I had been waiting to give him nearly all day long.

He pulls away suddenly, eyes wide. “What was that for?”

I shrug (yes, he’s rubbing off on me!) and smile. “You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me, Simon Snow Salisbury. I love you.”

Simon leans his forehead against mine. “I love you too, Tyrannous Basilton Grimm-Pitch. You are never ever getting rid of me.”

“Wasn’t planning on it,” I tell him, closing the distance and kissing him sweetly before starting the car.

I would say that we drove into the sunset, but I would be lying since we were driving northeast towards Iowa at 6 pm on a summer day. Which meant the sun wasn’t going to set for a few more hours, and Simon and I weren’t planning on letting up anytime soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S ACTUALLY FINISHED!!!! YAYAYAYAY!!! THANK GOD!
> 
> Again, thank you so much for reading! Be sure to leave comments and kudos if you enjoyed it and I hope you enjoyed this little story as much as I enjoyed writing it. 
> 
> If you want to listen to the soundtrack of Waitress, use this link: https://open.spotify.com/album/1E1tdqqLmyi03P0TJhGuw8

**Author's Note:**

> Here's the link to the soundtrack: https://open.spotify.com/album/1E1tdqqLmyi03P0TJhGuw8
> 
> Thanks for reading my fever dream!


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